I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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