I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
