so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
