Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
