apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
