we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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