his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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