Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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