If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
