You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
