apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
