between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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