Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
