I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
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God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
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I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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