you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
