My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
