I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
