great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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