I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
