I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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