yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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