My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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