my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
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I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
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There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself