Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
