I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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