If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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