you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
