I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize