he wants to bone in the snuggie
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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