He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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