If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
too bad you live with your parents still
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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