Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
