dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Who put my cat in the fridge?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
