oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
