I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
