just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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