conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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