My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
