this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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