he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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