i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
