I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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