It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Randomize
