I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
