don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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