ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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