I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
