He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
