How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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