Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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