a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
