awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
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she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
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What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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