If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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