He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
