in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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