You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
