i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
