I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
