I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
